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| Guest Speaker, Karen Schneider |
"When I was 19, I found myself unwed and pregnant. This scenario was the very thing both my parents and church family repeatedly cautioned me against my entire life. I knew sex outside of marriage was against God’s plan for me, but my emotions and desires led me astray, like a moth to a flame.
And like a flame, my heart had been burned when my boyfriend announced that he would not marry me if I didn’t go through with an abortion. Being incredibly insecure, fearful of losing my boyfriend, and astronomical guilt setting in for going against God’s plan for my life, in addition to fearing the repercussions of my actions by my God-fearing parents and church family, I wanted to hide. My heart ached knowing I got myself into this place and it pounded violently as I realized my secret would become public knowledge and my reputation as a “good church girl” would be ruined. I was beside myself. Desperate. And living in forced isolation, because who could I turn to?
I needed something beyond myself; someone to walk alongside me, to help me process my situation, teach me the tools I would need as a teen mom. I needed someone to hug me and tell me I was going to be OK. I needed… I needed so desperately and yet I didn’t know where to turn to. I needed Embracing Life. And yet my community did not have Embracing Life back then. If I had…well, let’s just say more than one life would have been saved!
My life has been forever scared. Abortion does that. It stays with you; it never leaves you. Though initially a woman may think it’ll hide her secret, resolve the financial burden, or free her from responsibility, abortion in actuality stays with you longer than the 20-minute procedure. It stays with you an entire life time. It hides in the recesses of your mind, like shadows, whispering your worthlessness everywhere you go: in your sleep, in the church pew…everywhere. There is no escape. You feel unforgivable. You live in a constant state of regret.
This month marked the 23rd year of my abortion. 23 years-- and still every anniversary, I think of my little girl who does not have a face, but has impacted my life in every single way. Every year, I write her a letter. This years:
Dear Baby I Aborted,
Today is the twenty-third anniversary of the day I aborted you. That decision wrecked my spirit. Going to counseling shortly afterwards, I was encouraged to name you and grieve you properly. I named you Alyshia, which means Truth.
The truth is I didn’t consider you
The truth is I didn’t see you as my daughter
The truth is you were an inconvenience
The truth is you didn’t mean anything to me
The truth is I didn’t love you
The truth is I was embarrassed by you
The truth is I thought you would ruin my life
The truth is you reminded me of my sin, my hiding
The truth is I thought your dad would leave me
The truth is I thought my parents would disown me
The truth is I feared the judgment of the members of my church
The truth is I wasn’t ready to be a mother
The truth is I did not consider adoption
The truth is I cared more about myself than you
The truth is I didn’t understand the value of a life
The truth is I didn’t consider your contribution to our family, to our world
The truth is I thought I could dispose of you and not look back
The truth is I did look back and continue to every single day
The truth is I was wrong
The truth is I am eternally sorry
The truth is your dad and I regret our decision every day
The truth is I could have made it work even if I ended up alone
The truth is you were made in love
The truth is even if I could not have raised you, someone could have.
The truth is I heard your heart beat
The truth is I saw your unformed body light up an entire room
The truth is I hurt you
The truth was blinded by the immediate circumstances
The truth is I didn’t think long-term
The truth is I did not think I would grieve you
The truth is your value exceeds that of rubies and gold
The truth is you are a gift from the Lord
The truth is I see you in my dreams
The truth is I still cry
The truth is I still feel shame and embarrassment, not because of you, but because of myself
The truth is I struggle to function on this date, the day I chose to abort you, every year.
The truth is Satan still uses this against me.
The truth is your life ultimately saved mine because it led me to Christ
The truth is every life has value no matter the circumstances
The truth is you are my daughter
The truth is you would have been an amazing big sister
The truth is I love you
The truth is Jesus died on the cross for me
The truth is I have been forgiven
The truth is I am still learning to live in His grace
The truth is some of God’s people are going about saving babies lives the wrong way
The truth is some of God’s people use hateful words and condemn those who need grace
The truth is a woman in this circumstance needs more love than you can even imagine
The truth is we’re all flawed, all sinners
The truth is even those who call themselves Christ-followers judge abortion harshly
The truth is Church is a hard place
The truth is we need to stop wearing masks
The truth is we need one another where we are and as we are
Thank you, baby, for teaching me about truth,
Love,
Mama
The truth is Embracing Life comes along side teens when they need it most. They equip and encourage young mamas to be the best they can be for their child. There is no judgment. No condemnation. Just acceptance. If I had Embracing Life when I was 19, I would have heard my baby’s cry and her laughter. I would have seen her run and jump. I would have felt her plump arms wrap around my neck and squeeze me extra tight and felt the drool of sloppy kissed run down my cheeks. I would have breathed in her sweet baby smell and exhaled prayers of gratitude for her and the life she led me into. God is so good to forgive and to give new life to those of us chose the wrong path, but boy, do I ever wish this wasn’t my story. Embracing Life is giving girls a better ending to their stories---or maybe it’s actually a better beginning!"
By Karen Schneider
